When Parent turns into Extended Family (PAS)

Several days ago was the ‘Parent Alienation Awareness Day’. I didn’t know such a day existed, but definitely I am aware of this distressful phenomena. I know children that live everyday with the pain of such phenomena, young and old ones. I know parents that fight everyday for their rights as parents. I even know other parents that consider their children equal or less to a monthly paycheck. Still, this phenomena is present and should be considered by the society as an important matter for the well-being of the new generation.

Yesterday I was out in an area I never went before. I missed one turn and I ended up driving in an unknown area, quite isolated. What I saw there was a wonderful creature and an unbelievable event. I saw the most beautiful little colt, mainly white like the snow, with long elegant legs and a beautiful head. He was sitting in the middle of the field while his mother standing right next to him. It looked surreal.

We stopped the car and were admiring this special moment between mother and son. Probably, we were too much exalted and we were speaking loudly to express our excitement for being witness of this moment, because the little one got scared and immediately stood up looking around. Understandably, we went crazy when we say the little colt raised up, he was just wonderful. He was so frail and special and a real beauty, I really cannot find the words to describe it. It gave me the same sweet feeling when I see a very beautiful little baby. But this was not the case of the handsome colt. He got really scared and start trembling. We were the unknown for him and he was not enjoying our presence. His mother was disturbed too. We were so much involved with the colt and his mother, that we did not see in the oncoming of another guest in the picture.

This beautiful horse came running fast and looked very angry. He approached the colt and his mother and you should see the way the little one changed asap. He was not nervous anymore, his parents were next to him both and nothing bad could happen to him. He felt safe!

We drove away and I was thinking on the way back about the children that miss one of both parents in their life: How do they combat their fears? Who is protecting them when they feel threatened? Where can they find the father who would run to protect them? Can they sleep well, without their mother standing right there to take care for them?

Parent alienation is the answer for all my questions. Those children are not as lucky as the little colt, who had both parents around. For some reasons, children probably do not understand, their parents decided to separate and get divorced. So far, everything is Ok, divorce is an acceptable part of life in nowdays. The real problem starts when parents ‘use’ their children as weapons in the ‘hate war’ between them. Suddenly, one of them thinks he/she has the right to decide to alienate the other parent from own life and by default even from the children’s lives. Most of the time this is a way of revenge for all missed promises and sufferings during their life together. As normally, there is not a bigger suffer for a parent rather that not being able to be present in the life of own children.

Unfortunately, the story does not end here for many of these children. Pretty soon, the ‘judge’ parent start to understand that life is not as easy as it seemed in the first place. Raising children alone is a tough life, so decides to find another partner for life. The new person comes in and start to impose his/her own conditions for the new family; and unfortunately, again, children are used as arguments for discussions and contentions. In worst case, the remaining parent decides to make own life easier and to give the right chances to the new relationship, so ship the children to their grandpas. The other possible scenario is to have children suffer from the nerves of the new step-mother/father. Both, very absurd situations for children that have both biological parents alive.

I believe in divorce, life is too short to be spent under continuous stress and fights. Home is supposed to be that warm nest, where anyone finds peace and harmony. Once this order does not work, it’s better to let the partner free and move on with life. But, divorce between parents should no way be divorce with their children too. The tie ‘parents-children’ is not social, neither just legal; it is a bond forever. Parents have the right to see and enjoy their children! Children have the right to have both parents present in their life! Children are not weapons, neither stuff that could be used by parents as they wish. Children are angels of God, given to parents as gifts and by default should be treated as divine. They are there to be admired, educated, protected and supported by parents. Some of them will experience the traditional family, the others will have the fate to live in modern families. But, as long as they have the presence and love of both parents in their life, the composition of family remains in second hand.

Dear friends, parents alienation is not acceptable. Believe me, children are smart enough and they grow so fast to be able to take their own decisions on the strength of relationships they want to have with the parent that have moved out of the house. Allow your children to enjoy the other parent and not feel it as someone of the extended family. Use your inner strength to withhold your personal issues with your ex, and let the child decides for the presences in his/her life. Think for a moment if you are the parent to be alienated from your children’s life. Can you live with this situation? Putting your child well-being first is the right course for solving such essentials family problems.

One last thought on this issue. I’ve heard the stories of many mothers limiting their life choices due to the great fear from their ex. I’m talking about violent people and criminals, who are capable to do everything to revenge, even to hurt their own children. I believe their place is behind the bars. Fearless denouncement is the only choice for such situations.

Remember this photo when taking decisions for the presence of your ex into your children’s lives. Children are so fragile and only the love of both parents, and other people around them, will help them grow strong physically, mentally and psychologically well. Isn’t this our mission as parents in life?

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