Yesterday was the most terrible day as parent for me. I lived a nightmare when my little angel fell down and hit her head on the floor. The seconds she faded away and could not react at all were a real horror for me. When she finally awoke she was shocked and did cry for so long keeping her eyes tightly closed.
This was not the end. I took her in my arms and run to the emergency, where was the second part of my horror. The doctors suspected for some damage at the brain, as she vomited several times. So, they decided to do the tomographic test. But, there were no chance to make my daughter stay in the appropriate position to do the scanning and even I was completely shocked and my brain was totally numb, I knew that was not possible, as I’ve done a similar test myself and I was aware of the noises of the tomographic machine. My little angel is scared from strong noises, so there was no chance she could undergo the test.
After this trial failed successfully, the doctor decided to keep my daughter under observation and to treat her with some medicine against possible swelling of the brain. I could not held my tears when the nurse performed the procedure of placing the little plastic thing at her little hand, necessary for the serum. Surprisingly, my little angle was opposite to me. She did not cry, nor complained while receiving the serum. Fortunately, the nurse did not suffered to find the veins, so no unnecessary pain occurred.
But, the most difficult moment for me was when the doctor told me he decided to transfer my daughter to another more specialized hospital. I’m sure my heart stopped for a little. I though the worst possible things for a fraction of the second and kept asking explanations from the doctor. That was the moment my daughter asked to walk for the first time since the fall happened.
Entering the ambulance and watching my daughter suffering there, was something I’ll never forget for my whole life. After some little complications in the ambulance, which were handled by the doctor who came with us, we finally arrived at the new hospital. I was almost fading from the stress and tiredness. Fortunately, my mom and my sister arrived on time to deal with my little angel, who as soon as we enter to the new hospital started to behave as normal. But, I was too tired and stressed to enjoy this change for good in her behavior.
The new doctor decided to observe her for a bit, before making the tomographic test. As soon as my daughter saw her aunt, she started to play, ate bread and bananas, drunk plenty of water and asked several time to get out of the hospital. My sister was so pleased to see her change and kept repeating: “She returned to be herself. She is herself now.” We kept asking her to tell us things she normally does, and she did respond correctly. Finally she started to laugh with our jokes and her preferred songs. As you may imagined, we finished the observation period successfully and finally, after running around hospitals for more than 7 hours, we went home.
I told you the whole story of what happened yesterday, as I wanted you to imagine the whole situation before I’ll be getting to the point of this article. I wanted to tell you about the fears and insecurity feelings I felt yesterday. I felt weak, and small, and powerless, and scared, and terrified, and guilty, and prejudged. Some foreigners kept telling me to be more attentive when I take care of my daughter. These were completely unknown folks, who knew nothing about me as a mother and how much I care for my daughter. They simply took the liberty to give me lessons on how to better take care for my daughter.
The highlight of this situation was a phone call I received from a police officer, while I was still in the hospital. At first, I was not able to understand what he wanted from me. But, then I realized he was investigating my daughter’s fell down after being notified by the hospital. With his questions, he was insinuated that I was not a careful mother and that it was due to my incapability that I caused such a damage to my little angel. This was a second shock to me! But, it helped me to get right the whole situation. All those people lecturing me for hours, were not actually trying to help me for the future, but were judging my ability to be a good mother?! How dare them? They do not know me at all. They have never seen me with my child before and do not know how I took care of her every day. They were not present all the times I’ve prevented similar and even worse accidents. Still, they felt capable to be the judges of my parenting capability?!
Until that moment, the only one thought I had on my mind was how to explain what happens to the father of my daughter. He was in a business trip yesterday and could not be with us, and normally made the whole situation even more difficult for me. Can you imagine? Instead of concentrating my energy to my daughter situation, I had to take care of the prejudgments of all the people, who thought to have the right to judge me. The only ones people that did not judge me were the doctor that accompanied us during the transfer to the new hospital. He had a daughter same age as mine, and confessed me that while he was seeing my angle in that situation, he was thinking that the same could happen to his daughter in any moment. The other non-judging person was another doctor at the new hospital. Her daughter was three months younger than mine, and the day before she was saved at the last moment from her grandma before devouring one sachet of pills, her mother kept in a specific drawer at home.
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Interesting enough, these two parents did not ‘dare’ to judge me, as they are fully aware of the difficulties children at my daughter’s age have. That being said, I want to be sincere with you that I felt guilty for what happened. Not because it happened for my fault, but I was sad I could not prevent it. I was so much worried about the potential damage caused to my daughter’s brain and if she would judge me about it. I know you’ll be thinking that a 21 months old child is not able to do such judgments, but anytime I think about my parenting experience, I wonder how I look as a mother in the eyes of my daughter. “Does she perceives me as a good and caring mother? Does she feels well-treated and protected next to me? Does she gets all the love she needs to feel great? Is she happy to have me as a mother?”
I strongly believe, that the answers our children will give to these questions, are the ones that really count. The rest are just noises to be ignored. Parenting is composed of a difficult set of tasks to be performed on non-stop basis. I consider myself capable to do many things, and I’ve done a lot in my life. But, parenting is the only thing that has changed so much my life and make me feel unsecured and scared most of the time. And, anytime I am scared or not sure what I’m doing, I wonder how come other mothers have raised 5 children or more and still have been able to handle all the burden successfully. Most probably they have been able to discover the secret of successful parenting and just kept applying it in practice.
I’m still looking for this magical secret, and meanwhile, I try to fit best parenting practices in my situation, using my gut as the key point for such fit and hoping for the best. Let me know what do you do to make sure you’re doing the right things as parents.
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